Friday, July 13, 2007

The PIG STORY

OK - so I started this blog because my best bud, my partner-in-crime, insisted that I need to start a blog to share my writing and my stories. I am also a member of a forum that was created by one of my favorite authors, and the very special friends that I have made there have insisted that my stories need to be shared with others. So... I started the blog, but I have just waited, because I mean, heck, you don't want to be just telling a story to cyberspace. NOW, I have a few people reading my blog... so, I've decided that I will go ahead and tell you my stories. My stories mainly come from farming life. I grew up working for my great uncle on his produce farm, but you don't get many lively adventures from plants. THEN, I married a livestock farmer - well, first we were a dairy farm, then we became a sheep, beef cattle, and crops farm, and now we are strictly beef farmers. Let me tell ya, when you throw animals in the mix - it makes for some pretty exciting adventures, especially when I'm involved, it seems. All of the stories I will tell are at my own expense... What I mean is, y'all will be laughing your as*es off at me... but, that's ok - I'm used to it by now, and it's worth it!

Now - for the pig story... oh my... my husband thinks this is the greatest, most funniest, most hilarious story ever... that would be because... 1. it wasn't him and 2. he wasn't there to suffer my fury!

We had just started to 'manage' my in-laws farm... This means that, basically, we were still doing ALL that work that we had already been doing, but now we were so lucky as to also be in charge of all the finances. Oh yes, we got to pay all the bills... basically, that's what it meant. Anyway... We were having some huge trouble with finances, so my husband took a job as basically a hired-hand on our neighbors' farm, which was still a dairy farm. So, my husband would go there and help milk each morning, come home and work on our farm, and go back late afternoon/evening to the neighbors' dairy farm to help milk in the evening. This is where I came in. I would come home from work in the late afternoon/evening and take care of those chores. By this time, we were sheep farmers and were in the middle of lambing season. We had over a dozen lambs that were orphans and needed bottle fed - So, that was my first chore... bottle feeding over a dozen hungry little lambs, that are really cute at first until you are mauled and raped by them when they are killing each other for a bottle. We also had pigs. We had about 7 pigs, and we sent 6 of those pigs to market. That left one pig. As you will tell by the story (if you are patient enough to keep reading), that left one VERY lonely and desperate pig!!!

So, I came home from work, filled the bottles for the lambs, put them in a bucket and trudged my way to the barn. I was inside feeding the lambs, and I hear this "CRASH BANG CRASH" then... silence... I just sat there holding a bottle in mid-air wondering what I had just heard. Then I had this thought... "Oh NO!!!" I thought "PLEASE don't tell me the pig got out!! PLEASE don't tell me that's just what happened!" So, I finished feeding the lambs, and I went out to see what the commotion was all about. YEP, the one lonely, desperate pig had, in fact, charged the gate and broke out of the pen that he was in. He was now running happily around our cement lot. I stood there wondering to myself "What the he*l am I supposed to do now??" So I got this great plan.

He (the pig) went down an alleyway, near our manure pit. So, I hid behind the wall, and waited for him to come close to his pen. When he came close, I jumped out from behind the wall (and behind the pig) yelling and waving my arms in the air. It WORKED! The pig went running back into his pen. Yay!!! I did good. Then I realized "Well crap!!! Now, how am I gonna keep him in there?" Duh Mist, you didn't figure out your plan first! I needed a gate - yep, that's what I needed. So, I wandered around the lot until I found this big ol' heavy freakin gate that I had no business trying to move by myself. But, by golly, I moved it by myself! Only to find that by the time I got it over to the pen, the pig had wandered himself back out and was now merrily running around the lot again! Da*n it!!! So, I used the first part of the plan again (hid behind the wall, etc, etc, ran out waving arms and yelling, blah blah) it worked again!

Pig is now in the pen, and I've now got a big ol' gate to keep him in there! I am SO awesome! yeah... sure Misty... keep telling yourself that! So, I prop the big ol heavy gate up and realize that I need something to fasten the gate to the walls so the pig can't knock it down and get out again. Ok, I can do this... baler twine!!! Yay! baler twine will definitely work! So, I go into the adjoining barn and grab myself a big ol bucket worth of baler twine. I wearily come out and check, and hooooorah... the pig is still in there! Yes, I am good. Suuuuure, I am.

So, now, I must tie this gate to whatever posts I can possibly find so this darn pig doesn't get out again. Ok, I can do this. I've got this spiderweb of baler twine running from this post to that post and back out here around those other posts. OK, almost done. So, I'm kneeling down, carefully tying some baler twine around another post when I hear this sound... It's the pig... He's at the far end of the pen, and he's making this grunting, snorting sound and pawing the ground AND he's giving me the eye - yep, he was looking right into my eyes like - say your prayers girlie! THEN he did it... he charged... he slammed himself into the gate, and at that moment I realized that my careful baler twine tying didn't mean a da*m!!! I flew backwards onto the cement... the gate crashed down on top of me... and the pig... well, that da*m pig, HE ran ontop the whole length of me! From the TOES to my HEAD... yup, he just ran the whole length of me while I was lying there helpless and cursing!

By the time I got myself up - trust me... it took awhile, I went in and phoned the neighbors' farm... I knew that they don't answer the phone, but they listen to the messages. I promptly (and quite tiredly) informed them that if I did not get some help immediately, we were going to have pig on a spit for dinner!!! Well, of course, no one bothered to listen to the message... oh no, of course they didn't.

I did the whole waving the arms and yelling thing again. Got the pig back in again and started tying the gate to the walls AGAIN. This time, whenever the pig even acted like he might even be considering pummeling me again, I would stand up and start screaming and cursing at him to scare him back to the other end of the pen. After a VERY LONG time, I finally got the gate tied up and was sufficiently satisfied that the pig would not get out. I then went in the house for a well deserved rest.

When my husband came home from milking, he was expecting a hay customer to be coming for some hay that night. I figured he could probably use some help, so I limped my poor aching body outside to see if I could be of assistance. He looked at me immediately all concerned and said "What's Wrong? Honey, did you get hurt?" I replied "I've been beat up by a pig!" "What???" he asked. So, I told him the story... well, at least I tried to tell him the story, but towards the end, he was doubled over laughing so hard that I thought he was going to pass out. I literally had bruises - perfect pig hoof shaped bruises - all over the length of me... yep, little purple and blue pig-hoof-shaped bruises from my toes to my head!!!

Oh gosh - you would have thought this was the greatest story in the state. My husband was telling everyone. If I started to tell the story myself, he would interfere and say "No, oh no, let me tell it" Oh Yeah Dear, like you were actually there!

On a side note - when it was finally time for this pig to go to market, my husband informed me that it took him a full 20 minutes to cut ALL the baler twine off the gate so that he could get the pig loaded in the truck! SEE - I DID do a good job after all... yeah right, tell my aching body that now hates pigs that!

So, that's the pig story - if you were patient enough (or bored enough) to read the whole story, I thank you!

13 comments:

Stacey

Oh Misty, this qualifies for giving it your all on the job (ouch that had to smart!), that's for sure. It's a long one, no doubt, but I stuck with you! Are you still on the farm, is this where you live now or is this before you moved? xo

Misty Dawn

WOW Stacey - I can't believe someone stuck through the whole long story without giving up on it! THANKS! My stories are funny at my expense, but I tend to ramble on while telling them ;-)

This was on our Ohio farm. There will be no pigs on our Missouri farm (oh darn), due to a very large pig processing facility in the area. Nope, we will be strictly beef cattle here. Don't worry - I've got some long, drawn-out beef cattle stories too!

Lawn Mower Queen

Heh. Heh. Heh. I agree with your husband. I've heard this story several times and I still get the giggles just thinking about it. Of course, these are the people who thought it would be funny to have me ride a cow and dunk me in the slimey water trough - ewwwwwwwww.

D...

Misty Dawn, I'm laughing, but I can well imagine your frustration and pain!
I once was attacked by a rooster when I was 5! My family likes to torment me with that.
I looked at your flickr page. SWEET pictures. I'm going to show my daughter your lamb pics. She's going to love it!

Skittles

Oh my gosh! Too bad hubby wasn't home to get it all on video :)

Bubba's Sis

What a great story! I can just imagine! My daughter SO wants a pig - says she wants to take FFA in high school so she can raise one - but I think I've got her convinced to go with a lamb or goat now. Cute little pink piggies get big, baby!

Tammy

I am so not laughing my butt off....absolutely not...no not even a giggle..LOL sorry I couldn't hold it in any longer!!!! Your right though, pigs are EVIL! hehe

david mcmahon

What a twine, er, swine. He was obviously a MCP.

That's a hilarious story, Misty.

Momma

OMG - I have to admit, this is one of the funniest stories I have ever read! I'm sure that it wasn't funny at all when it was happening, and the mother in me is saying, "Did you ever get back to those poor little lambs?"

Thanks for sharing this! Peace - D

Daryl E

Oh that is one good story .. poor Misty .. I felt each of your hoof marks .. ouch!!!!!!

BTW I emailed to tell you that if you'd like I will print that photo for you .. let me know!

quilly

I've chased run away pigs. It isn't fun and they aren't friendly. Now the only pig I chase is Kalua Pig -- a favorite meal here.

Hilary

Hilarious and painful... you had me umm.. snorting. Thanks, David for pointing out this post.

CrazyCath

Misty - hi! I've been by before.

That is one wonderful story! Your bookmarked! Can't wait for the next one.
Came over from David's this time - Congrats on winning post of the day! Well deserved. Now I need to nurse my aching sides.....

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