Saturday, March 15, 2008

The Pummelling Pig Post

Since I just found out that we've been invited to my sister-in-law's for the evening, I decided to do a re-post. I posted this story way back when - shortly after starting this blog. A few friends have recently been attempting to convince me to re-post this story, because they think it's the perfect remedy for bloggers who can't fall asleep they say it's hilarious. Yes, I must admit most of my farming stories about my getting beat up by one animal or another (or a whole group of them) are rather humorous. However, I've strongly hesitated in re-posting this because it is so stinking long. I tend to ramble, ya know....... OH, like I'm doing now... Well, let's get right to it...

Now - for the pig story... oh my... my husband thinks this is the greatest, funniest, most hilarious story ever... that would be because... 1. it wasn't him and 2. he wasn't there to suffer my fury!

We had just started to 'manage' my in-laws' farm... This means that, basically, we were still doing ALL that work that we had already been doing, but now we were so lucky as to also be in charge of all the finances. Oh yes, we got to pay all the bills... basically, that's what it meant. Anyway... We were having some trouble with finances, so my husband took a job as basically a hired-hand on our neighbors' farm, which was still a dairy farm. So, my husband would go there and help milk each morning, come home and work on our farm, and go back late afternoon/evening to the neighbors' dairy farm to help milk in the evening. This is where I came in. I would come home from work in the late afternoon/evening and take care of those chores. By this time, we were sheep farmers and were in the middle of lambing season. We had over a dozen lambs that were orphans and needed bottle fed - So, that was my first chore... bottle feeding over a dozen hungry little lambs, which are really cute at first until you are mauled and raped by them when they are killing each other for a bottle. We also had pigs. We had about 7 pigs, and we sent 6 of those pigs to market. That left one pig. As you will tell by the story (if you are patient enough to keep reading), that left one VERY lonely and desperate pig!!!

So, I came home from work, filled the bottles for the lambs, put them in a bucket and trudged my way to the barn. I was inside feeding the lambs, and I heard this "CRASH BANG CRASH" then... silence... I just sat there holding a bottle in mid-air wondering what I had just heard. Then I had this thought... "Oh NO!!!" I thought "PLEASE don't tell me the pig got out!! PLEASE don't tell me that's just what happened!" So, I finished feeding the lambs, and I went out to see what the commotion was all about. YEP, the one lonely, desperate pig had, in fact, charged the gate and broke out of the pen that he was in. He was now running happily around our cement lot. I stood there wondering to myself "What the he*l am I supposed to do now??" So I got this great plan.

He (the pig) went down an alleyway, near our manure pit. So, I hid behind the wall, and waited for him to come close to his pen. When he came close, I jumped out from behind the wall (and behind the pig) yelling and waving my arms in the air. It WORKED! The pig went running back into his pen. Yay!!! I did good. Then I realized "Well crap!!! Now, how am I gonna keep him in there?" Duh Mist, you didn't figure out your plan first! I needed a gate - yep, that's what I needed. So, I wandered around the lot until I found this big ol' heavy freakin gate that I had no business trying to move by myself. But, by golly, I moved it by myself! Only to find that by the time I got it over to the pen, the pig had wandered himself back out and was now merrily running around the lot again! Da*n it!!! So, I used the first part of the plan again (hid behind the wall, etc, etc, ran out waving arms and yelling, blah blah) it worked again!

Pig is now in the pen, and I've now got a big ol' gate to keep him in there! I am SO awesome! yeah... sure Misty... keep telling yourself that! So, I prop the big ol heavy gate up and realize that I need something to fasten the gate to the walls so the pig can't knock it down and get out again. Ok, I can do this... baler twine!!! Yay! baler twine will definitely work! So, I go into the adjoining barn and grab myself a big ol bucket worth of baler twine. I wearily come out and check, and hooooorah... the pig is still in there! Yes, I am good. Suuuuure, I am.

So, now, I must tie this gate to whatever posts I can possibly find so this darn pig doesn't get out again. Ok, I can do this. I've got this spiderweb of baler twine running from this post to that post and back out here around those other posts. OK, almost done. So, I'm kneeling down, carefully tying some baler twine around another post when I hear this sound... It's the pig... He's at the far end of the pen, and he's making this grunting, snorting sound and pawing the ground AND he's giving me the eye - yep, he was looking right into my eyes like - say your prayers girlie! THEN he did it... he charged... he slammed himself into the gate, and at that moment I realized that my careful baler twine tying didn't mean a da*m!!! I flew backwards onto the cement... the gate crashed down on top of me... and the pig... well, that da*m pig, HE ran over-top the whole length of me! From the TOES to my HEAD... yup, he just ran the whole length of me while I was lying there helpless and cursing!

By the time I got myself up - trust me... it took awhile, I went in and phoned the neighbors' farm... I knew that they don't answer the phone, but they listen to the messages. I promptly (and quite tiredly) informed them that if I did not get some help immediately, we were going to have pig on a spit for dinner!!! Well, of course, no one bothered to listen to the message... oh no, of course they didn't.

I did the whole waving the arms and yelling thing again. Got the pig back in again and started tying the gate to the walls AGAIN. This time, whenever the pig even acted like he might even be considering pummeling me again, I would stand up and start screaming and cursing at him to scare him back to the other end of the pen. After a VERY LONG time, I finally got the gate tied up and was sufficiently satisfied that the pig would not get out. I then went in the house for a well deserved rest.

When my husband came home from milking, he was expecting a hay customer to be coming for some hay that night. I figured he could probably use some help, so I limped my poor aching body outside to see if I could be of assistance. He looked at me immediately all concerned and said "What's Wrong? Honey, did you get hurt?" I replied "I've been beat up by a pig!" "What???" he asked. So, I told him the story... well, at least I tried to tell him the story, but towards the end, he was doubled over laughing so hard that I thought he was going to pass out. I literally had bruises - perfect pig hoof shaped bruises - all over the length of me... yep, little purple and blue pig-hoof-shaped bruises from my toes to my head!!!

Oh gosh - you would have thought this was the greatest story in the state. My husband was telling everyone. If I started to tell the story myself, he would interfere and say "No, oh no, let me tell it" Oh Yeah Dear, like you were actually there!

On a side note - when it was finally time for this pig to go to market, my husband informed me that it took him a full 20 minutes to cut ALL the baler twine off the gate so that he could get the pig loaded in the truck! SEE - I DID do a good job after all... yeah right, tell my aching body that now hates pigs that!

On another side note - my in-laws were in Arizona during this time. One day, my husband was on the phone with his mom, and when I walked into the room, my husband was holding the phone away from his ear, he was laughing, and I could hear her cackling through the phone. I just looked at him and asked, "You told her the pig story, didn't you?". He just shook his head in agreement, because he was laughing too hard to respond. My father-in-law brought me home a wooden cutting board as a gift... it was in the shape of ... you guessed it, a pig. Yeah - they all love me, can't ya tell?

So, that's the pig story - if you were patient enough (or bored enough) to read the whole story, I thank you! Hey - you can wake up - it's over now :-)

12 comments:

Jeni

My sympathy for your ordeal with the pig but gee, that still was a funny story even if you did get the brunt of the deal. Reminds me of how one night, on my way home from work, I'd stopped to pick up a nice cold six-pack and as I ventured down my sidewalk, this wild puppy we had at the time was tied up outside (cause he was REALLY a wildly bad boy if left alone inside) and Hercules (his name) came running at me-cause he was you know, so happy to see me at home. He wrapped his chain around my legs and then hit me from behind, just about at the knee so I fell foward, landing face down on top of that sick pack! Bent my glasses frames on one side into my forehead and on my cheek and the other side of my forehead, I had these big marks from the tops of the beer cans embedded on my face there too! Also, ended up with a badly sprained right wrist as well which really scared me as at first, I was afraid I might have broken the darned thing again. But I was a bit of a mess going to work the next day with all these bruise markings on my cheeks and forehead!

silverneurotic

And I thought I got beat up by my dog...

Vic, the Cariboo Ponderer

I think you had a free spirited pig. Sorry for the bruises but I would probably be cheering the pig on in its attempt for freedom. Mind you I love a good pork roast.

Akelamalu

You wouldn't catch me anywhere near a pig - they're HUGE! You're a very brave woman!

Tammy

YAY!!!! I LOVE THE PIG STORY!!! Now get off the phone and talk to ME! LOL

John-Michael

You just continue to be forever a bright star in my heavens. such fun delivered in such a delicious way. Thank you, again, and again, Misty.

Rachel

Hee Hee Hee :-)

Cathy

Hilarious!

And even though I laugh, I sympathize. I once got treed by a sheep.

D...

I ♥ the pig story!

maggie

LOL Misty. That is a funny story. Painful for you but funny for us.

Love the Pig Story

bundle-o-contradictions

Wow. I'm feelin' pretty grateful that I'm a city girl. That was some experience!

CrazyCath

Read this via David's blog - it must have been the original - and commented there too. Just want to repeat well done! Great telling!

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