Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Rant About Depression

(c) Misty DawnS

I'm going to talk about that "d" word again... Depression. It sucks. For anyone who feels that Depression is 'a state of mind' or something you can control, you might as well stop reading this post now, because I'm saying you are full of sh*t.

One day, you can be going along, living your life, and actually feeling good about things... feeling like your life is just how you want it to be... like you are quite happy.

Then, within a day's time, a few hour's time, or even a few minutes, your gut feels like there are rubber bands strangling it, like you need to bawl your eyes out and you don't know why, but it doesn't matter anyway, because you just can't cry... you're empty. You feel like your dreams will never come true - you were stupid for ever believing they could anyway - or, you were stupid for believing in yourself, for that matter.

Then, you get p*ssed at yourself because, logically, you know there is no reason for you to feel the way you are feeling right now, but it's a real feeling - that tightness, that fear, that anger, the panic, the tears - it's all real, but you have no freaking control over any of it.

Then, you are more p*ssed off because you can't control some invisible monster who shows up for no reason, whenever it feels like it, and turns your whole world upside down and makes you feel like nothing matters and like everything matters too much all at the same time.

Then, you feel weak, because you feel like you should be stronger than this - like you should be able to stand up to that monster and convince yourself to feel the happiness and the confidence you felt just a few short moments ago.

Then, you just want to go hide somewhere... away from everyone, because you are embarrassed, ashamed, and you feel like you aren't worthy.

The only redeeming thing is that, eventually, at some point, the monster hibernates for a short while and allows you to go on living your life again. However, when the monster attacks, you can't envision that 'redeeming moment'... all you can do is feel like it's never going to end - like you are trapped - and it's just not fair.

It's really not fair, because you didn't ask for this. You don't sit around and think "Oh Gee, I think today is a great day to feel like crap and like I'm worthless and like I am being strangled by emotions I can't control or overcome."

No, you don't choose it.

It's not fair.

Why am I writing this post? I don't know... maybe to let people know I understand... maybe to just get it written down and out of my head... maybe because I just felt like it needed to be 'explained' this way, right now... as I said - I don't know. I just wrote it, and that's that.

I could go join a wine of the month clubs, but that doesn't solve anything. Besides, I'm more of a beer girl anyway ;-)



P.S. I promise my next post will be more fun and happy - I just felt I needed to say this - I get that way sometimes.

26 comments:

Tammy

I hear ya bud! I feel the same way some times. HUGS and I LOVE YOU!

b13

I'm thinking puberty, menopause, or some happy pills. Smile :) your doggies (and your blogger buddies) love you!

Anna

That doesn't sound fair at all!

I'm glad you shared. Helping people to understand can only help.

Linda

Depression is a sneaky, insidious snake that squirms its way into your life before you know it. Been there - done that - took the Prozac so I understand completely.

Oh, and I prefer to be a member of the "Whine of the Month" club - it's help relieve stress quite nicely!

Sandee (Comedy +)

You don't have to convince me. Depression is a very real issue for many. All I can say is here's a BIG HUG from me to you. :)

Bubba's Sis

I completely understand. I'm a Prozac Girl, myself. If I stop taking it, life spirals downward. You explained it well, sweetie.

Stacey @Real World Mom

"turns your whole world upside down and makes you feel like nothing matters and like everything matters too much all at the same time."

I couldn't have described this better myself. Unfortunately, I know all too well what you're describing. It is good to know that we are not alone. Big hugs to you!

Tommy V

I completely understand, been there and still go there and it is not fun. You description is like you are living in my head.

Michelle

Rant away, lady! Sometimes you just need to get it out any way you can. I hope it helps a little and that the monster is feeling sleepy again today. Go to sleep, monster. Go to sleeeeeeep.

Hugs from AZ!

D...

You did a great job explaining it. I wish people suffering from depression didn't also have to suffer with ignorant people. {{Hugs}}

storyteller

Getting this outside yourself is often a good thing. I’ve written many a journal entry ‘dumping’ in this manner over the years. I’m listening this morning to the Last Lecture of Randy Pausch this morning (all 76 minutes) and if you’ve not heard it, you might find it helpful. There are links on both of my blogs this morning …
Hugs and blessings,

i beati

It's ok if the next one is not. I blog with a girl who goes to bed for days and then comes back - it's a natural thing.do not blame yourself. I fought it with meds for many years..sandy

david mcmahon

Mist. you have articulated the issue with candour and power. We, you many friends around the globe, wish we could do more to help.

But being thousands of miles away, I can say on behalf of everyone else that we're always here for you.

Any time.

God bless

David

nonizamboni

I would never say its in your head because I'm no stranger to this condition. One day is good and the next it rears its ugly head. Meds keep my head on straight and even then...there are days. But I agree and remind you that there is that hibernation period to enjoy.
Take good care and know I care too!
xxxx

babooshka

I'm a memebr of the non glee club too. When it strikes it can floor you, and you do feel so isolated. Never apologise for your posts, whatever the subject. This was a wonderful honest read, and 'll bet you helped someone out there realise they are not alone afterall.

Take care

Aileni

The Great Black Cloud called 'where's the point' - yes, know all about that.

Dragonstar

And the ones that say "Pull yourself together" and "Snap out of it" - don't they realise that you would if you could? Actually, they're even worse than the depression, if that's possible.

This is the hidden disease. So many suffer, but it's swept under the carpet because it doesn't show on the outside.

I hope you're feeling a bit batter now. (((HUGE HUGS)))

Marigold

I definitely feel that way too sometimes. The only thing I can do when I feel that way is to put on a good movie that helps me escape my mood.

Ellen

Wow, you just described how I feel often these days. I've suffered from it since I was in my 20's(now I'm in my late 50's), I took Prozac for years and it really helped. Many people told me to just "get over it!!" and I felt much worse when they said those words. Of course I immediately told them where they could stick it!! Now I think some of mine is menopause. Nevertheless, it sucks and each day is a real journey for me. Thanks for sharing and just continue to try you best and "hanging in there!"

Marie

I know the feeling...

Big hug from me.

CrazyCath

Hey Mist what can I say?
I've been there. I identify with everything you've written and you are not alone. We are all with you. Big big (((HUGS)))) from me.

You don't need to apologise for writing this - it is how you feel and you can tell your friends how you feel. And you're right - you can't control it. I just hope it lifts soon for you.
Take it easy and know you're loved.

Carver

Excellent post. I couldn't agree with you more.

Bubblewench

Came over from Davids...

Thank you for putting into words what my life has been like the past few years. You have articulated things I couldn't. Yes, you truly do understand.

Leora

Amazing how many others also experience depression. I blogged about one particular "down" day. Actually, talked about therapy first.
About Depression

I feel fortunate that a little pill (Lexapro) keeps me stable. So now I just worry about the side effects. Always something.

Les Becker

Well, said. I think you nailed the description on the head - hard to do, but you did it well.

Here from David's.

Jo Beaufoix

Came over from Bubblewench and David's. This is my life too and you're right, it's not fair, but it's good to know some people really do get it. It means we're not alone.

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