Rant About Depression

(c) Misty DawnS

I'm going to talk about that "d" word again... Depression. It sucks. For anyone who feels that Depression is 'a state of mind' or something you can control, you might as well stop reading this post now, because I'm saying you are full of sh*t.

One day, you can be going along, living your life, and actually feeling good about things... feeling like your life is just how you want it to be... like you are quite happy.

Then, within a day's time, a few hour's time, or even a few minutes, your gut feels like there are rubber bands strangling it, like you need to bawl your eyes out and you don't know why, but it doesn't matter anyway, because you just can't cry... you're empty. You feel like your dreams will never come true - you were stupid for ever believing they could anyway - or, you were stupid for believing in yourself, for that matter.

Then, you get p*ssed at yourself because, logically, you know there is no reason for you to feel the way you are feeling right now, but it's a real feeling - that tightness, that fear, that anger, the panic, the tears - it's all real, but you have no freaking control over any of it.

Then, you are more p*ssed off because you can't control some invisible monster who shows up for no reason, whenever it feels like it, and turns your whole world upside down and makes you feel like nothing matters and like everything matters too much all at the same time.

Then, you feel weak, because you feel like you should be stronger than this - like you should be able to stand up to that monster and convince yourself to feel the happiness and the confidence you felt just a few short moments ago.

Then, you just want to go hide somewhere... away from everyone, because you are embarrassed, ashamed, and you feel like you aren't worthy.

The only redeeming thing is that, eventually, at some point, the monster hibernates for a short while and allows you to go on living your life again. However, when the monster attacks, you can't envision that 'redeeming moment'... all you can do is feel like it's never going to end - like you are trapped - and it's just not fair.

It's really not fair, because you didn't ask for this. You don't sit around and think "Oh Gee, I think today is a great day to feel like crap and like I'm worthless and like I am being strangled by emotions I can't control or overcome."

No, you don't choose it.

It's not fair.

Why am I writing this post? I don't know... maybe to let people know I understand... maybe to just get it written down and out of my head... maybe because I just felt like it needed to be 'explained' this way, right now... as I said - I don't know. I just wrote it, and that's that.

I could go join a wine of the month clubs, but that doesn't solve anything. Besides, I'm more of a beer girl anyway ;-)



P.S. I promise my next post will be more fun and happy - I just felt I needed to say this - I get that way sometimes.

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Rant About Depression

http://www.mistysmusings.com/2008/07/rant-about-depression.html

It's Depressing

(c) Misty DawnS

Let me talk about something a little bit, because that helps me get it out of my brain and feel better. Today, I need to talk about depression.

One of my best friends and I were talking about depression just last night. I kept confiding things to her, and then I would follow up with asking her to please not judge me. Well, she never did judge me, because she never would. She's the kind of friend I can say anything to and not worry about being judged. However, not everyone is like that. As if depression isn't hard enough to deal with on its own, the stigma of depression - the way people regard you if they find out you have depression, is just as hard to overcome. Let alone if people find out that you take anti-depressant medication.

You see, I used to take medication for chemical depression. When my neighbors, whom I thought were my friends, found out about this, I became the subject of jokes, gossip, and judgment. I had a dog at the time, and she suffered from separation anxiety. My ex once joked to the neighbors that he thought the dog needed Doggy-Prozac, because her mommy's 'problems' were rubbing off on her. Yeah, like it's a contagious disease or something. Of course, this comment caused everyone who was listening to break out into hysterical laughing, because it was 'just so dang funny'.

I was telling my friend last night about a conversation I had with my old doctor once. He had asked me if the medication seemed to be helping. I responded, "Yeah. I don't seem to get depressed for no reason anymore." My doctor didn't take this statement very well, and I was rather surprised. He countered by asking me if I would judge someone with Diabetes for taking Insulin. I said that of course I wouldn't. He replied with, "Diabetics' bodies need that Insulin, because their bodies don't produce it, right?" Well, of course. "Well then, why in the world do you think you get depressed for NO reason? There is a reason. Your body is not producing the proper chemicals. Therefore, medication is required to produce those necessary chemicals."

When he put it like that, it made perfect sense. However, I must admit that eventually I quit taking all medication. I felt like I was weak if I couldn't take care of 'my problems' on my own.

I just wish that people with depression didn't receive the judgments and treatment they do. Depression, anxiety, panic, and similar conditions are not things that people bring upon themselves. Do you honestly think that people want to feel the way these conditions cause them to feel?

I just don't understand the close-mindedness sometimes.

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It's Depressing

http://www.mistysmusings.com/2008/03/its-depressing.html

Fighting Depression

Recently, I find myself fighting a vicious enemy known as depression. Depression isn't new to me; About 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with severe inherited chemical depression. No, I didn't know that you could inherit depression, but after it was explained to me, and after analyzing one of my parents, it does make sense that I could have, in fact, inherited a chemical imbalance, which would result in depression. I am usually able to maintain control over the depression and keep it from interfering with my daily life. In fact, I am usually a very upbeat, optimistic, and fun person.

After we first moved here, I found myself falling into a deep depression, but was able to overcome it after a few weeks. Since then, I've been fine. However, over the past week or so, I find it harder to fight this monster. I know what the causes are... the main cause being my lack of earning a sufficient income... feeling insecure about my physical appearance due to losing so much weight over the past six months also adds to the depression. I'm also feeling overwhelmed with too many things that need to be done, and when I think about the to-do list as a whole, I become too overwhelmed and cannot bring myself to attempt to even focus on finishing one of the tasks. From experience, I realize this is one of the signs of depression - not being able to concentrate on completing tasks.

I don't want to allow myself to go down that path of depression, and I'm trying to fight it... However, I'm beginning to feel powerless, insecure, and inadequate. I'm not looking for sympathy with this post, rather just trying to get my feelings written down so I can try to gain strength, because writing has always been a release for me and has always helped me gain perspective. I will overcome this... I always have... I just hope it's soon.

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Fighting Depression

http://www.mistysmusings.com/2008/01/fighting-depression.html